Time is (not) on my side.

The centre of my universe leaves home in three days to go back to the US for 6 months. I won't see him again until Christmas.

I didn't even know that a human could feel this much pain and still be alive.

The game "Dead or Alive" feels so ironic right now.

Sometimes I wish I could control my thoughts and emotions better. Anger and words and tears spilling out without filter and I wonder if I'll ever be stable again.

It's almost 3am. I should be tired, but middle-of-the-night heart-to-hearts and fears and old hurts&hates haunt to the point of insomnia. Shackled in my brain to incidents I should be over but I can't seem to get there because there are sudden reminders and everything suddenly hurts again like I'm back in that day.

I cried for two days. I'm not done crying yet. I have nightmares about it: about discovering the end of something which, if it had continued, would have meant losing someone so important to me that it barely bears contemplating, and yet....

And yet I can't stop contemplating it.

It makes my teeth hurt and my chest clench and my blood freeze but it's still always there, at the back of my mind, ready to trigger at a moment's notice. ignorance can be bliss, but then I was never ignorant. Only ever fooling myself.

I don't want to think any more. I want to forget it like I've forgotten everything else that passed through my malfunctioning memory. I want to erase the past and make a better future. I want to make everything better but I can't and that kills me more than I can even say. All I want to do is make it better. That's all I want.

I can't even do that right.

Counting time....

Did you know that Sanskrit-based languages have ninety six words for love? English, in some ways, is a woefully inadequate language.

In other news:
Plots and plans (and helping hands) can see me through the day.

Second star to the right

I'm about as good as Peter Pan at giving directions. Taking directions isn't my strong point either, making me feel like I'm stuck in a loop of Sinatra, sometimes. You're taught to be independent, but sometimes it backfires.

Whenever someone in a movie falls in love, there's always music. Makes you think that when it happens to you, when you finally realise that you've fallen in love with someone, that's what will happen. You'll hear music; an orchestra, a string quartet, a shoegazer band. In reality, there's no music - mostly it's silence, broken only by the pounding of your heart, the rush of blood in your ears, and your brain screaming wait, what? NO! Maybe some people do get music. The righteous. The innocent. Soul mates. LustLove-at-first-sight. Hormones bouncing around your brain like kids with ADHD, yelling look at me! Pay attention to me! until you have no choice but to listen. So empathetic with everyone else that I manage to miss what's in front of my nose until it's too late.

Epiphanies at the coffee machine are strange, making you feel even more exposed, like everyone knows what you're thinking. Life's too short for any kinds of regrets, so from here on that's it. I won't waste a second, because it's all too precious. I refuse to have any regrets about my life, because what's the point in holding back when maybe you won't even have tomorrow? I don't think I'll stop wearing odd socks, though.

Sometimes - more often than not - people will surprise you. Books judged by cover always turn out to have a twist.

Love makes you do the wacky.

What is wrong with all of these people who make reality TV shows? And what is wrong with the people who watch them? There is something seriously the matter with our society.

I look at my inbox and I feel as though the world has righted on its axis again, after so long out of kilter. Everything is as it should be again, except for my own feelings, which are not now nor ever will be right, or good, or anything but wrongwrongwrong. If only we could police our feelings, make them as they should be.

November 4th is so close now, I feel like the world has started holding its breath. We're not all US citizens, but anyone who cares about the world cares about the outcome of this election. It doesn't quite keep me awake at night, but it's close. But if it all goes to hell in a handbasket, I doubt I'll just stay in my own country; Canada is looking mighty sweet right now. Prince Edward Island was pretty, and Nova Scotia was awesome too, so it's not like it would be a hardship. 

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing pretty well for someone of my age, and the fact that I haven't done the things I wanted to do by this time isn't necessarily the worst thing ever. It's just that not everyone has their dreams come true. Which for some people isn't a problem, but for someone who never stops dreaming, it's somewhat heartbreaking.