The game "Dead or Alive" feels so ironic right now.

Sometimes I wish I could control my thoughts and emotions better. Anger and words and tears spilling out without filter and I wonder if I'll ever be stable again.

It's almost 3am. I should be tired, but middle-of-the-night heart-to-hearts and fears and old hurts&hates haunt to the point of insomnia. Shackled in my brain to incidents I should be over but I can't seem to get there because there are sudden reminders and everything suddenly hurts again like I'm back in that day.

I cried for two days. I'm not done crying yet. I have nightmares about it: about discovering the end of something which, if it had continued, would have meant losing someone so important to me that it barely bears contemplating, and yet....

And yet I can't stop contemplating it.

It makes my teeth hurt and my chest clench and my blood freeze but it's still always there, at the back of my mind, ready to trigger at a moment's notice. ignorance can be bliss, but then I was never ignorant. Only ever fooling myself.

I don't want to think any more. I want to forget it like I've forgotten everything else that passed through my malfunctioning memory. I want to erase the past and make a better future. I want to make everything better but I can't and that kills me more than I can even say. All I want to do is make it better. That's all I want.

I can't even do that right.